Obligatory End of Year/Decade Post

So every year I blog somewhere about how my year had gone and what I was hoping for next year. Since this is also the end of a decade, it only seems right that I go back little further and check out how far I've come.

2000 - I rang in the new year with my ex in Jacksonville, FL with friends. He was drunk (as usual). In late February we moved back to Wichita. We rented a house in S Wichita. I started working for KETCH with a big pay cut. I spent a lot of time with family getting caught up and meeting all the new babies in my life.

2001 - I started back to school at Butler. I kept working for KETCH. I started doing crafty stuff. My best friend moved a couple of miles away and we spent a lot of time hanging out.

2002 - Still in school, still working for KETCH. Life wasn't eventful other than the regular drinking parties that my ex threw at our house every weekend. We also bought that rental house (BIG MISTAKE!)

2003 - Still in school, still working for KETCH. Did a craft show, did some writing. Spent a lot of time with family and friends. Lost a lot of family and friends. Was a very sad year.

2004 - Graduated from Butler with AA. Started WSU. Still working for KETCH and hating it. Still married to the ex and hating it even more. Best friend gave birth to baby Tierra who had me at hello.

2005 - Divorced the ex, gave him the house (BIG MISTAKE). Moved in with my parents. Was completely and utterly depressed for a year straight. Left KETCH to start working for KOCH. Was excited about my new job. Struggled with school the entire year due to depression. Moved into my own place, started dating.

2006 - Working hard at school and work. Spending time with family and friends, focusing on me, me, me. And dating losers for the most part. I guess I did have a couple boyfriends in there.

2007 - Cousin Kari moved in and lighted my life. Promoted at work. Still going to school. Started dancing and going out all the time. Lots of shenanigans. Turned 30. Met a nice guy but it didn't work out. 2007 was a pretty good year.

2008 - Cousin Kari moved away. Kept working hard at work. Still going to school. Met new friends. Partied a little too hard. Met Josh. Slowed down. Fell in love with Josh. Met Tori and Penny. Fell in love with Tori and Penny. Started understanding that things DO happen for a reason.

January 2009 - Rang in the new year with Josh and some friends at a dance club. Started a new job. Prepared for my last year at WSU. Celebrated Tori's 4th birthday at ChuckECheese -- never again!

Febuary 2009 - Suprised Josh big time for Valentine's day. Spent tons of time doing family stuff.

March 2009 - Delivered first major project at work early and under budget.

April 2009 - Weekend getaway to KC courtesy of Josh ( I seriously needed it). Started a new project at work.

May 2009 - Turned 32. Saw Fleetwood Mac in concert for my birthday and spent the weekend in KC. Went to see my cousin get married in Hillsboro. My sister gets engaged.

June 2009 - Josh and the girls move in. It was a rocky start but we got it figured out. Summer classes. Celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

July 2009 - Put Josh's house on the market, thinking we are going to get married.

August 2009 - Went on vacation with Josh to Jacksonville, FL and Savannah, GA. It was such a great trip. Started final semester at WSU. Celebrated Penny's 2nd birthday.

September 2009 - Freaked out about final French class at WSU, this was harder than I thought it was going to be. Went to visit Janet and Jason in New Mexico (fun!). Josh's house gets burglarized (not so fun).

October 2009 - Josh proposes! The girls are Hannah Montana and Strawberry Shortcake for Halloween. I still struggle with school. Dude from the UK comes to Wichita and asks me about working for his team...what?

November 2009 - Find location for wedding and set a date. Spend Thanksgiving in Colorado with Josh's family, I finally got to meet them! Really start freaking out about school, am I going to graduate or what? Get a call at work requesting I apply for a new job listing. Interview for that UK dude's team and wait nervously to see if I got it.

December 2009 - Wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, I get a call about the job. And I got it! Pass french by the skin of my teeth and I graduate! Look forward to new job, no school, wedding planning, and spending time with my new family in 2010.

It's crazy how things change. But I've learned a lot along the way. Last year my resolutions were to 1) graduate and 2) get engaged (which seems silly but these things take some work).
I accomplished both and managed to score a new position at the same time. I am very lucky but I worked my behind off. So my resolutions for this year are:

1) get healthy -- cause I let a lot go to get everything accomplished this year
2) spend time focusing on my new family and making time for friends and family
3) GET MARRIED!

Christmas Recap

Obviously I've had to work these last few days following Christmas so I haven't had a chance to recap our holidays until now. I've also had major congestion which has left me only wanting to curl up with movies and read magazines the last week.

Christmas was very nice this year and felt a bit neverending because we had 4 Christmases in which the girls opened gifts. On the evening of the 23, Josh's stepmom, brother, and sister (& her boyfriend) came over. We had Popeye's chicken, opened gifts and chatted the evening away. I haven't gotten to hang out with them much and in this kind of setting at all so it was really nice to get to know them more. Tori and Penny cleaned up as usual. Highlights were homemade blankets by Grammy Tami and a karaoke machine. Josh and I got a DVD player for our bedroom which has come in handy with me feeling down the last few days. We've watched Julie & Julia, Paper Heart and Paranormal Activity on it so far. We also rented Sunshine Cleaning. All of the movies good but I especially liked Sunshine Cleaning & Paper Heart.

On Christmas Eve, Wichita got hit with a snow storm, which made for an especially festive day. We headed over to Mary & Tony's (Tori & Penny's aunt and uncle) and opened gifts with them. The girls loved their Zhu Zhu pets and Playschool doll house. Josh and I got a bag of goodies which were super yummy. Next we headed over to my mom and dad's house. I had to take a separate load of gifts earlier that morning because we couldn't fit everything in the car! My sister and her fiancee, Jason, (and the two dogs) drove in through the snow storm from New Mexico so I was anxious to see them. We spent the afternoon doing some baking, watching tv, chatting, etc. Soon it was time to talk about dinner. We had made plans to go to Sal's for dinner but the weather was so bad we didn't want to get out. So Janet and Jason made homemade spaghetti for all of us. It was pretty good and the girls ate a ton of it. We also opened gifts with my family which was really just watching the girls open all their gifts. They really did score pretty big with a Splatster, Hannah Montana makeup head, Berry Cafe, Play Doh desk, pajamas, books, Ugly Dolls, etc. Josh got lots of games for this Wii and Xbox. I got a purse that I wanted pretty bad, pajamas, goodies from Harry & David, the Pioneer Woman's cookbook, crafty stuff, and lots of other stuff. Josh, the girls and I then headed home so Santa would know where we were when he came to deliver gifts. Josh and I stayed up late putting together a Vanity for the girls and getting all the stockings put together.

Christmas Day morning the girls were up earlier than usual and Josh, of course, was waiting for all of us to wake up. When we did, they ran downstairs to find their loot. The Vanity went over big. They immediately started doing their hair and each other's hair. Next came stockings and they ripped those apart pretty quickly. Lastly they opened their wrapped gifts which included Nintendo DS & Cyberpocket, games for the systems, movies, Baby Alive's and watches. They were very excited and got everything they wanted (I think!) We did go overboard this year but I reminded Josh that they lost a lot of their stuff do to the burglary back in September and it's not every year that we can deliver such a good Christmas to them. (And I have a really hard time stopping the Christmas shopping for them...sigh). We had to drop the girls off with their mom at 12 and afterwards we headed back to my parent's house for the extended family Christmas. It was a smaller crowd this year and the food was proof. To be honest, I can't wait till I have a house and can host Christmas myself. After dinner and presents we played Pictionary Man and a game called Psychologist. Both were fun and full of laughs. Next my cousins all came over to hangout, play Rockband and Super Mario Brother's for the Wii. We all had a nice time but I wish I would have felt better.

On Sunday my family suprised me with a graduation celebration at Red Lobster. I really wasn't expecting anything for graduation, since I wasn't walking, but it was nice. I had this drink that was like a strawberry dipped pina colada, sooooo good. I love it. I also love that it seems that most major events in my life are celebrated at Red Lobster, lol. I did get some cash and a gift card to Beau Monde for some pampering, which I really can't wait to do.

So that's it, the Christmas tree is still standing, the house has been a wreck for a month, and I don't know the last time I've cooked a meal at home (or Josh) but that's what the holidays are all about, right?

Just thought I would mention...

That I passed French and I am done with my English Degree!!!!!

Cozy Christmas in the making

The Christmas season has finally arrived at my house and I'm looking forward to the coziness of having a family of my own at Christmas. This will be the second Christmas that I spend with Josh and the girls. Last year was one of my best Christmas's ever and at the time, I couldn't imagine a better Christmas. Amazingly, I think this year could top it. Last year at this time, I was worried that I would be without a job and penniless. Shortly before Christmas, I found out that I my job went through and that was moving into a Business System's Analyst position. I was so stoked... all my hard work was going to pay off and I was going to actually be doing something that I loved. My sister and her boyfriend and his daughters drove in from NM and my parents had a house full. The 4 little girls made Christmas extra special and I felt so at peace. As I entered into 2009, I knew this year was going to be difficult. I knew that I could face possible cut backs at work (again), my last year of college, and potential changes to my day to day life. As Christmas arrives again, I can look back on the year and see all that I've accomplished and feel proud. 2009 has been a hard year for me -- but it's also been a great year for me. Josh (& girls) and I moved in together in June. In October, we got engaged. In November I met my future in-laws for Thanksgiving. This month, I received a job offer that will not only give me the opportunity to move away from my high-stress job (which I am thankful for but seriously ready to leave) and regain a personal life. I'm going to become a Global SAP Security Lead that will move me up the ladder, allow for SAP certification, and place me in more of a director role with decision rights. Next week, I take my last final and if all things go as planned, I will be done with my undergraduate degree. I will be the proud owner of BA in English. If things don't go as planned... I'm going to be proud of what I have accomplished and try again.

Wedding Website

With the news of our recent engagement, Josh and I decided to start a wedding website. Check it out here.

Book Reviews

I've been thinking a lot these last couple of days and trying to come up with ways to work on myself and my struggles -- as previously mentioned. Today I did a good job. It's just one day but I'll take it for now. I'm hoping to take back control little by little bit each day. And as I do so, I should little by little, start to feel better about myself and where I am headed. Blogging is a good start for me as well. So, I promised some book reviews and here they are:

Twilight - Stephanie Meyer
Yes, I bought into the hype and picked up Josh's copy of Twilight to see what everyone is talking about. And I think I get it. I read through Twilight like I read through Judy Blume books in elementary school and VC Andrews books in middle school. The writing is easy to read, the stories are built around a few main characters, and the reader is exposed to the inner pysche of the main character -- it feels very indulgent. There is sexual tension (as much as there can be in juvenile lit) which keeps the reader eager to find out what happens next. I haven't wished for characters to do as much as kiss since I was 12, but Twilight had me there. I read the book in 3 days and was ready for more the next day.

New Moon - Stephanie Meyer
So I picked up New Moon at the library the next week to feed my juvenile lit craving! Or maybe it's a vampire craving! I sped through New Moon as quickly as Twilight and enjoyed it almost as much. I missed Edward's presence in the second book, but I still found it interesting. I haven't picked up Eclipse yet and that might be just because New Moon wasn't as good as Twilight and I don't care quite as much as I did at the end of Twilight. But I'll get Eclipse, the third book, soon I'm sure.

How did I get so Busy? - Valorie Burton
It is rare for me to rave about a self-help book, or even more, suggest a self-help book to a friend or co-worker. After reading, How did I get so Busy? I've found multiple opportunities to recommend the book to others. This book really does help. I read a chapter each night before bed, I did the meditations, and the activities. I could keep this book with me as a reference book to get through life. There are so many things that we don't make time for and so many things we fill our time with that simply don't matter. This book forces you to look at your life differently -- and sometimes it's not very pretty what you discover. You might find that you do things like me -- define success based on income or titles. But then once you have this information, you are empowered to change how you think. I plan to keep reading this book, certain chapters in particular to help me to put together a less stressed life that allows me to have fun and to do things for the purpose of making me truly happy -- not that fake kind of happy that we show the world.

Struggling

I've been struggling lately, struggling a lot. I haven't felt like myself in quite awhile and I'm ready to snap out of it. I've been pretty negative and moody lately and found that I don't get excited about much these days. And I should. It's my life and I should enjoy it. I guess I'm overwhelmed, a bit depressed, a lot stressed, and generally not feeling good about myself. It seems like I'm going through the motions but not really living. Work is really dragging me down. My co-workers are really irritating me. There is one part of my job that I love, but the rest is pretty awful. That one part is what I want to do, but I have so much on my plate, I can't focus. I sit at my desk trying to wrap my head around what I need to do and can't focus for more than a few minutes at a time. The people play a big part in the negativity that I have about my job. I don't like my co-workers. I don't even care much for my friends that are co-workers. They all drag me down and steal the "life" from me. I used to be able to think about the evenings and the weekeneds after work and get excited. Now I don't. Now I feel like I just use this time to recover from work. I was so much more creative -- writing, crafts, etc. Now it's nothing. And I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not exercising or eating properly. I'm not enjoying things. When I come home from work, I'm so fried, I space off. I don't get much accomplished in my house. I surf the net or play Dr. Mario in an attempt to forget about the crappiness of my day. And it's not fair to me, the girls, or Josh. At one time, I planned my evenings. I planned my health. My entertainment. I had plans and they weren't always cancelled because of work or not feeling well. And not feeling well has become a regular thing. I have a lot of headaches these days. I feel lethargic and ran down. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to fixing me. There is so much to do and not enough energy in me to do it. I guess that's the problem -- no energy. I'm spent most days. How can I stop letting my job control my life and help me to start actually living the life I want?

Polyvore

I found this site called Polyvore that is so cool. You can create looks just like you would find in magazines, yourself. I made this look there. If only I had the 10K the outfit costs and could fit into it!

Coming Soon

Book Reviews!

Ah, hello, goodbye October

So October has arrived and is nearly gone and I haven't blogged in over a month! I guess I've had a whirlwind of changes come about in the last month and that's kept me preoccupied.

First thing, I'm engaged. Yep, with a ring and all that jazz. Josh proposed on October 10th. The proposal story is a bit entertaining. I had Saturday class and when I got home I had a headache. So I decided to lay down and rest. Josh kept asking me to go with him and the girls to the bookstore but I told him I just wasn't up to it. So they went ahead and left. About 15 minutes later, he called and said that his car was giving him problems and I would need to pick them up at the bookstore. So I got up and drove to Borders. When I got to Borders, I headed directly for the kid's section. When I got towards the back, I saw him and said, "You really wanted me to come to this bookstore today, didn't you?" as a joke. He said, "Yes, yes I did." And about that time, my parents came around the corner and Josh dropped to one knee. This was the bookstore that Josh and I met at on June 11, 2008. He proposed, I went into shock, my parents took pictures, and the girls ran around the bookstore. My ring is beautiful and I love it. We are just getting started on the wedding planning but it's already a lot of fun.

In September Josh's house was broken into. The thieves took nearly $20,000.00 worth of stuff. Josh has been dealing with that for about a month and a half and it's been a tedious process. Just when we think we've got it all cleared up, something else crops up. They stole a credit card, check books, major appliances, damaged the house. It's a big mess. The good news is that Josh did have insurance and they've been working with him.

Finally, my other big news isn't really news... yet. I think I may be taking a new role at work. I'm not sure when it will happen but my boss is wanting to list my current job soon so I can have a backfill. The opportunity is more in line with what I would like to be doing and I hope it works out. Nothing is ever certain at my company and I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

I finished my Saturday class so I only have 2 classes to finish before graduation. My Health & Lifestyle class is easy and I don't have any concerns. My French 3 class is kicking my behind. I don't know what I was thinking signing up for this class to go 5 days a week. Oh, I know... I wasn't thinking that I would be doing the job of 2 people at work this semester. I've been added to another project and I just don't see how I can get it all done. I've brought up my concern that I was worried about graduating but nothing came of it. I just hope I can last. It's just till mid-December. I can make it, right?

I am looking forward to graduation. I've not been myself for quite some time. I'm pretty grouchy, achey, depressed, stressed, and tired all the time. I know that this is due to overload but I really want to get back to taking better care of myself and actually getting to be a part of my new family. The girls are excited about Josh and I getting married, ok, actually they are excited to be flower girls but it's a start.

Who will you run to?

Josh and I went to see Huey Lewis & the News and Heart at the KS State Fair this year. Heart has been in my concert top 5 for a decade. After 10 years of hoping to see them, I have to say I was a bit disappointed. It wasn't the talent really, mostly it was the venue and that they skipped over so many good songs! I was so eager to hear Dreamboat Annie, Who Will You Run to, and All I Want To Do is Make Love to You but they weren't included in the set! I really can't say I was unhappy because they were Heart and they were pretty damn good but I wish they would have played another hour. I guess that's a sign of a good concert -- when you want them to keep playing. I didn't feel quite the same way about Huey Lewis and he skipped over Hip to be Square??? Um hello, that's one of their best songs. Josh bought me tickets to see Joshua Radin in a few weeks. I've become a big Joshua Radin fan and he has a song that I think would make a perfect wedding song... you know, if I were to ever get married again. My concert top 5 list now has room for a new addition: Here is the current list:

1. U2 - seeing them next month so I'll have another spot
2. Live
3. Pearl Jam
4. Liz Phair
5. So many choices??? Phil Collins maybe?

The Last Semester

Have I mentioned that I started my last semester of college last week? Well, I guess that's a true statement if I never go back to school once I'm done, which isn't likely. But for now, I can say I'm in my last semester. I'm taking 3 classes. Women & Dependencies, Health & Wellness, and French 3. Women & Dependencies seems like a pretty cool class; reading and guest speakers mostly. I like that it won't just cover alcoholism & drug abuse -- it will include dependencies like retail therapy & co-dependencies. Healthy & Wellness should be interesting as we will spend quite a bit of time studying stress. I can't help but think that I'll learn a few things about myself and my environment. Annnnddd French. I go to French class EVERY DAY. This class is going to kick my behind. I did my first oral interview today and impressed myself. Apparently I remembered a lot more than I thought I would in 15 years. Soooo....fingers crossed, hope I make it through!

Gooey Butter Cake

After returning from Savannah last week, Josh made me promise to make Paula Deen's Gooey Butter Cake. I had no idea how simple it would be to make. Please don't curse me for sharing this recipe -- it's a quick way to gain 10 lb!

Paula Deen's Gooey Butter Cake

Cake:
1 18 1/4-ounce package yellow cake mix
1 egg
8 tablespoons butter, melted



Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Combine the cake mix, egg, and butter and mix well with an electric mixer. Pat the mixture into the bottom of a lightly greased 13 by 9-inch baking pan. Prepare Filling


Filling:
1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened
2 eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla 8 tablespoons butter, melted
1 16-ounce box powdered sugar


In a large bowl, beat the cream cheese until smooth. Add the eggs, vanilla, and butter and beat together. Next, add the powdered sugar and mix well. Spread over cake batter and bake for 40 to 50 minutes. Make sure not to over bake as the center should be a little gooey.



Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Preparation time: 30 minutes
Cooking time: 40 minutes
Ease of preparation: easy

Jacksonville/Savannah Vacation

Josh and I returned from our vacation last week. Although it didn't feel entirely long enough, we seemed to have accomplished quite a bit.

Wednesday - we headed to Kansas City, a day early, because we decided to get last minute tickets to see Green Day in concert and we are certainly glad we did. We got a free seat upgrade and were quite suprised when Franz Ferdinand opened up for Green Day! Green Day was awesome -- just like a crazy concert that I would have attended when I was in highschool. While in KC we also managed to hit Uno Pizza for some deep dish pizza --something Josh and I seriously love.

Thursday - we got up early and went to Half Price Books where Josh and I stocked up on more books! This has quickly become my favorite bookstore and the prices are so reasonable. We also went to Einstein Bros. Bagels and I had a green chili bagel with cream cheese, yum... Afterwards we headed to the airport for a day of flying. We finally landed in Jacksonville around 6 PM. We drove through Jax and I took Josh through some of my old places, like the first apt I lived in Jax. Back in 1996 it was in Sin City -- it doesn't look the neighborhood has improved any. We checked into our hotel and then went to dinner at Bono's BBQ. I don't like BBQ but I love Bono's. It was my most requested restaurant on our trip. We ended the evening by walking around on the beach and eating gelatis which are custard and italian ice desserts.

Friday - we woke up and we're ready to do some shopping. Jax has a new shopping district called St. John's Towne Square with lots of neat stores. I managed to spend some money at Ulta and Urban Outfitters. That evening we met my good friends Corey and Karen at Bucca de Beppo for dinner. The food was ok, I actually think it was overrated and pricey but we had a good time anyway. It was so nice to catch up with my old friends and for them to meet Josh. They also seemed to enjoy him much more than my ex, lol. Later that evening Josh and I headed to Dave & Buster's. Josh loves D&B and since we don't have one in Wichita, we had to go. Our favorites are skee ball, Deal or No Deal, and now the spining relex game. I hit the jackpot on the spinning reflex game so Josh kept encouraging me to play again and again.

Saturday - we woke up early again and headed to St. Augustine to meet my friend Corey and her family for the day. We drove down A1A the entire way and checked out Vilano beach. It had obviously had a lot of recent beach erosion because it had a lot of new sand. We found an awesome hotel, very retro, that I would love to go back and stay at called the Magic Beach Hotel.

Once in St. Augustine we walked around St. George street with my friends and had lunch. I was able to hang out with her boys who are darn cute. It was terribly hot and muggy though so I ended up getting a bit of a headache. We headed back to Jax to relax a bit before heading to Singleton's Seafood Shack. Singleton's is famous to the area and the freshest seafood in town. Check out our dinner!

Sunday - we woke up early to drive to Savannah in order to get our name on the list for dinner at Paula Deen's Lady & Son's restaurant. We made it and were able to get on the list! Afterwards we headed to the Flannery O'Connor childhood home. This was my reason for wanting to travel up to Savannah. I love Flannery O'Connor and after reading about her home on Literary Traveler, I had to go. The tour was interesting and I found the stories about Flannery's reading habits to be very entertaining. She often wrote in her books and "graded" them. And unsuprisingly the original Grimm's Fairytales were a favorite. Also, while visiting the home I found out about Southern Literary Trail. Some of my favorite authors are included and I'm thinking future vacations could include some places on the trail.



We did some shopping in downtown Savannah and I found two really neat stores, The Paris Market and Cherry & East. Once we were done shopping we were ready for dinner at Paula's restaraunt. The food was so good, Josh kept telling me he was tempted to leave me for Paula Deen. Our favorites were the lemonade, hoecakes, cabbage, sweet potatoes, and gooey butter cake. The gooey butter cake is something I will be blogging about in the future. I bought one of Paula's recipe books and have already made it at home. Later that evening we took a ghost tour by trolley. I was able to capture a spirit orb at Colonial Park on film.

Monday - we headed to Bon Aventure cemetery. I was afraid we weren't going to make it but we did. The cemetery was beautiful, the mosquitos were awful! I was bit at least 20 times and had to slater my ankles in Caladryl once we returned home, and even then, they were still pretty itchy. Once we finished the cemetery we headed back to Jax to fly home. We missed the girls and were ready to get back home (um, not work though). Here is my favorite statue at the cemetery:

The Glass Castle: A Memoir

I bought The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls on clearance at Half Price Books a couple of months ago. I was excited to find it for $2 but I was also concerned that the cheap price might mean it wasn't that good of a book. Going with my instinct, which relies on the fact that I don't always like what the masses like, I bought it. It's fairly difficult for me to read while sitting in airports or traveling; I'm usually caught up in people watching or just preoccupied with listening to the travel announcements. I not only was able to read this book while traveling, I nearly finished it. It's the true account of writer, Jeannette Walls' life and childhood upbringing. Walls' parents were "free spirits" who didn't think that they had to conform to society's basic expectations -- to provide food, adequate shelter, and safety to their children. Walls' story moves quickly and unspeakable acts are far too common -- child abuse, neglect, and exploitation. The Walls children are resilient, though, and quite driven, especially Jeannette. It's often easy to make assumptions as to how people arrived at their current state, but Walls throws the common misconceptions out the window. Walls' not only builds something out of literally nothing, she helps her brother and sisters too. I found the story quite inspiring and immediately wanted to write following the conclusion. I give the memoir an A- and definitely recommend it.

Sausage Cheese Puffs

Tori loves sausage and I thought I would introduce her to one of my childhood favorites, Sausage Cheese Puffs. They may not be THAT healthy, but they sure were good.

Sausage Cheese Puffs Recipe

3C Baking Mix

1/2 C Milk

1 LB Sausage

1 8oz jar Cheese Whiz

Combine Baking mix and milk in a bowl. Mix well. Add Sausage and Cheese Whiz; mix well. Drop by spoonfull onto baking sheet. Bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes or until brown.

Half-Assed

Last night I finished Half-Assed: A Weight-loss memoir by Jennette Fulda. I recently discovered Fulda on twitter and found her comments to be quite snarky so I figured her take on weight-loss would be too. The book was actually pretty entertaining and quite a fast read. She's very no-nonsense as she explains to people how she lost 200 lb, "eating right and exercising." What I liked about Fulda's take on weightloss was that she admits it was hard, dreadfully hard. And she knows it will be hard not to gain the weight back over time-- the cards are stacked against her. She also explains that losing weight does not fix ALL of a person's problems. She is now a healthy weight, but she's not dating or leaving the house to socialize all that much more. What she did gain was more confidence when people treat her poorly or take advantage of her. Fulda doesn't forget about her inner-fat-girl and refuses to become someone else just because she can now fit the part. I admire her ability to lose the weight, but even more, not selling out. She doesn't claim that she can help someone lose weight, she doesn't think she's an expert, she just lucked out in that she figured out what worked for her. The best advice I got out of the book was this: Figure out what works for you, what you can handle, what you are able to keep up with. Excellent advice indeed.

Strawberry Shortcake Party

Penny is currently obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake (thanks to the old school Strawberry Shortcake in the Big Apple City DVD I bought the girls) so this year she had a Strawberry Shortcake party for her 2nd birthday. She actually understood that it was her birthday too. For the last week we've had to listen to her talk about "MY PARTY" and telling us everyone that could come, "daddy come?" "Joy come?" etc. We were prepared for her to have a Sweet 16 meltdown but we lucked out. We went out Saturday afternoon and bought her party dress which she picked out herself, I was pretty impressed with her choice! This was my first time putting together a toddler's party and I think it went pretty great. The kids played in the pool and the adults had a water balloon fight. I got nailed several times! It was actually a total blast and I think everyone had a lot of fun. The sugar was a help as we had pink strawberry shortcake cupcakes and a Strawberry Shortcake ice cream cake. I love old school birthday parties in the backyard, it reminded me of my own parties years ago!

Too Tired

I've been dreadfully tired the last 2 months. Each day seems to drain another ounce of energy from my body. I've been trying to focus on green living and finding natural ways to give myself more umpf; I've yet to succeed. Tomorrow is my last day at work and then I'll be off work for 10 days straight. I'm terribly excited but know that it won't be until day 4 or 5 that my body and mind actually figure out that I am on vacation. Some people start vacation with a deep breath and let everything go.... I, on the other hand, seem to have to have blow it out like a nasty cold for several days. I could just hit the bar early on Friday, drink myself into vacation, and then all should be good as well. The first part of my vacation is actually a staycation. I'll be taking it easy, being domestic ('cuz that's how I can relax in my own home) and keeping my work black berry locked away from my access. Since joining my current employer, I've never taken more than 3 days off. So this feels very strange. I've been reading like crazy lately, especially since finishing my summer classes *which I got an A and B*. I'll review the 2 books I've been focused on this last week in a later post. Josh and I have been watching Carnivale Season 1. I kind of like it, I kind of don't. What I like is the fimography, acting, and placement in time. What's driving me nuts it's inability to move forward. Every episode I think something will be resolved or at the very least come to a head -- and so far, nothing. I'm almost done with season 1 and I can understand why it didn't last more than 2 season. I think it's a shame because the talent is cetainly there and the concept is quite unique. Oh well... As far as up and coming events, I've been pretty focused on getting some things in order. We are getting Tori ready for her next year of preschool and found that the zoo is doing preschool and just needs to get the proper certifications. If this happens soon enough, we might move her to the zoo program. That kid loves animals like you wouldn't believe. I've also been looking into dance and theater classes for her. Now that she's 4, there are so many things she could get involved in. The Children's Theater is kind of pricey but the Y has fairly economical dance classes. I've learned that more concerts are headed this way. Joshua Radin in Lawrence is high on the list! I've confirmed my Dec graduation and am hoping that I can pass all my classes this fall. It's going to be a lot but if I can just stick it out a few more months, life might be a lot more tolerable going forward. I say this and I know that in life, it's always something. This weekend we are celebrating Penny's 2nd Birthday. She's having a Strawberry Shortcake party at my parents. She's been talking about her party all week. Finally, work is still sucking the life out of me and I wish each day for the economy to rebound so I can find a better gig.

I Don't Know How She Does It

I picked this book up several years ago and with the recent changes in my life, I thought it might be a good book to help me figure out this whole career with family thing. It didn't. It was actually a pretty awful book. It painted working moms as selfish, adulterous women. I can normally read chick-lit fluff like this in 3 sittings. This one went on for a couple weeks because I hated the characters, hated the lack of plot, and hated the way it portrayed women -- as if their place should be at home taking care of children and competing for Martha Stewart awards. I think if anything this book scared the crap out of me. If this is what normal is, I'm going to have to figure out what normal is for me.

The Weight

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So many things have been changing lately and I think my body hasn't caught up yet. This last Monday I found myself practically paralyzed due to back pain. I made it into work but didn't last more than a half day. It's been hurting ever since. I've done the Icy-Hot patches, Thermacare patches, Ibuprofin, and Loritab. This evening is the first time I've felt any relief and that's mostly in that I can actually sit up without tearing up! I feel so bad for not giving that much thought when people say they have backpain. Never again. Now I know it's serious business, I won't be dismissing it again. But I guess I should clue you in as to where this backpain probably stems from: stress. My stress levels are unusually high, even for me. Some of it's good stress, some of it's not. The deadlines that have been pushed out at work this year have been unreasonable. Maybe it's due to the economy or maybe it's just the corporate culture, but either way, it's done left it's mark on me. I really enjoy parts of my job but dealing with bad tempers and stubborn people, just leaves me feeling rather negative -- certainly more often than I'd like to be. I know part of it is up to me. I have to leave it at the door and tell people when they need to step back and give me some breathing room. School is also wrapping up. While the summer semester hasn't been difficult perse, it's been brief. So brief that I feel like I've had very little time to study or get anything done. I have a week and a half left, I think I can make it. Josh and the girls moved in last month. Things seem to be going relatively well but there is that stress in making my house our house. Getting the girls to listen to me. Adjusting to people being around all the time. And the cats just moved in today. So lots of things to work on all at one time. The only thing I know is that there is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm almost done with my BA. I don't know what will come next. I'd like to think it's the MMIS degree but somedays I just don't know if that's the right thing for me longterm. Josh and I are working on getting ourselves in the best financial place so should we decide to buy a house, move, etc. We have a fresh start. The only thing that doesn't seem to be letting up is work. So again, it's up to me to not let work run my entire life. I know I do a good job, a better job than I give myself credit for and I should give myself more breaks.

Jacksonville Vacation

I did it. I bought the tickets, booked the rental car, and scheduled the time off from work. I still need to book the hotel, but it's as good as done. I'm going on VACATION! It's been a few years since I've done anything like this for myself. Josh and I are headed to Jacksonville, FL and Savannah, GA in mid-August. I plan to see a couple old friends, revisit some of my favorite Jax places, and make a little jaunt to Savannah, GA to check out Paula Deens' restaurant, The Lady & Son's , visit The Flannery O'Connor Home, and take a Haunted Tour of Savannah. I'm very excited to have the time off and to step away from the rather stressful way of life I've been living. Everytime I've gone on vacation in the past, it's reminded me that there is more to life beyond trying to keep up with the rat race. I think this vacation will do the same thing. And I will have a full 10 days away from work. I have missed Jacksonville quite a bit since moving away in 2001. I always thought Jacksonville was a great a place to visit, I just didn't want to live there the rest of my life. Quite frankly, I can't stand the traffic! And I missed my family. My family that has now almost all moved away.... but I guess that's life. And I wouldn't have met Josh if I hadn't have moved back! I found a website I've grown to love rather quickly, Trip Advisor. I've already started planning trips that Josh and I have mentally planned over the last few months. It's a great place to store the things that you want to do in the future.

Simple Living

A few years ago, right after my divorce, I started taking steps towards living more simply. I even bought the book The Simple Living Guide and started trying to form the life that I really wanted to have: a simple one. When I moved into my own place (post-divorce) I was fully focused on the effort. I was purging things left and right, thinking through my purchases, focusing on quality vs. quantity, cleaning up my eating act, and overall living more green. This last year I lost my focus. I haven't done well on the eating, the purching, the organizing... I've let a lot of what I accomplished go. And I want to get it back. I'm going to retrieve my Simple Living book (from the clutter of books I've got) and work back towards the way that I truly want to live. I know that this is going to be a challenge with Josh and two girls living with me now, but I also know we are building a life the way we want it to be and there is no better time to start than now. I wish we were moving into a home of our own, it would make it feel like we were starting out fresh together. But I'll take what I have and make the best of it. And I suppose that part of the idea around simple living is actually saving money, not spending it. I have a few areas that I am going to be focusing on:
1) Eating: I want to step away from prepackaged foods/convienance foods/ eating out. I want to cook healthy meals with food that is more fresh and natural.
2) Exercise: I want to reclaim an exercise routine. This will include the gym but also the simple pleasures of going for walks and such.
3) Home: I want to minimize the need for stuff, gadgets, mostly junk. I think the kitchen is a fine place to start.
4) Purchases: I want to be more thoughtful in my purchases. Not just buy something on a whim because it gives me instant gratification.
5) Pleasure: This is the place I want to focus the most. Right now, I'm not finding a lot of pleasure in life. I'm too stressed, tired, or moody to enjoy myself. Simple pleasures should bring me more joy, like sewing, cooking, reading, playing with the girls, or just watching a movie with Josh. So I'm going to work on this as well. And I'm going to try to take a much needed vacation.

So that's my plan. Simple Living.

One lucky girl

This weekend has been pretty dang awesome. Josh and I took Friday off (for fun) and hit some garage sales, looked at houses, and went to lunch. We didn't find much at the garage sales (other than a Ballerina book for Tori). We wondered how people held onto junk for so long and how they could have no clue what their junk was really worth. Seriously, some stuff you could buy brand new for cheaper than the prices we saw. We looked at houses and dreamed too. We've been on a pool kick lately. We really, really want to buy a house with a pool. We think it will take some work but overall, it will be an investment in our health and provide great entertaining opportunities. Oh, and we're not ready to buy a house, but like to pretend :) For lunch we went to Sumo's because when else could we go to Sumo's for lunch? It was good, but not as good as Sal's. Friday night ended with us making s'mores over the stove and watching the last of Supernatural Season 3. Saturday, Mom and I did some shopping. I bought some new sandals and some toys for the girls room. Later that evening, Josh and I started moving some of his stuff over -- because after 4 weeks of testing and trials, it looks like we like each other enough to live together...and the girls seem pretty happy with it too. We brought over his king-size bed and it barely fit up the steps. It actually didn't fit up the steps so Josh had to use his BIG muscles and make it fit. And now my bedroom looks like a comfy oasis of bed and pillows which is alright with me! This morning Josh informed me he was naming the day Girlfriend's Day and he had suprises for me. It started with a card and breakfast from Panera. Later he gave me a lime green owl necklace from Lucinda's, I love it! Then we went antiquing as I have been looking for a vintage retro buffet/dresser to restore. I found one at the mall on W Kellogg and it was 20% off. I bought it, of course, and love it as well. This evening we had shimp po'boys for dinner and Josh suprised me with a chocolate chip cookie cake. I love cookie cakes and he got me one that said I Love You on it in honor of the day. Finally, we headed out to see Away We Go. This movie is seriously good and has an awesome soundtrack. I'll probably have to buy it! Overall, one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I know I'm corny, but I really am one lucky girl.

A Life List

I've had so much going on lately and in order to avoid skipping over something, I'm going to list it all out:



1) Concerts: Currently in my possesion are 2 tickets for U2, Heart, and Huey Lewis & the News. Heart & Huey Lewis are both in September. U2 is in October. We're planning on seeing Truckstop Honeymoon on the 4th and I think we may be going to see Collective Soul in a couple weeks as well. So many concerts, so little time.



2) Sewing: I decided to try making sun dresses for the girls. It's been years since I sewed and I wanted to give it a shot. Tori picked out the fabric. I started out strong with cutting out the patterns and fabric but now the true sewing part is taking me a bit to get started on.



3) Anniversary: Josh and I made to one year! It seems like so long ago but time still feels like it's gone so quickly. We had Tori and Penny so we ended up just going to Red Robin with the girls and exchanging cards & gifts. Josh got me the Bunny Girl wallet (previously mentioned) and made me a mixed cd with a personalized insert. I got him the Huey Lewis tickets.



4) Working out: Josh has motivated me to work out in the mornings before work. We started going to the Y in the morning at 6:15. I hope to keep it up and lose some weight and tone. He, on the other hand, has turned into a work out junkie and has been going at lunch too.



5) Family: My sister and her fiancee will be here in a couple weeks. They got engaged a few weeks back and we are going to go to KC to look at wedding dresses one of the days that she is here.



6) Summer School: started a few weeks ago. My Social Psychology class doesn't require attendance and can be done online. I'm opting for the online version and it's pretty easy. My Oceanography class doesn't start till July. Overall I think summer school is going to be pretty easy.



7) Work: I finished my bank migration project and have about wrapped up phase one of my current project. I got my raise (finally). I'm ok with it for now.

Strawberry Freezer Jam

All this talking about strawberry patches made me hungry for some homemade strawberry jam so that's what I decided to make this last weekend. I've never made jam before but recently I discovered that Ball makes a freezer jam pectin that doesn't require cooking the jam at all. It's as easy as buying the freezer plastic containers and a package of this stuff -- which I found at Dillons. I bought 4 lb of strawberries and used maybe a quarter of them and they produced 4 jars of jam.

Strawberry Freezer Jam :

Mix 1 1/2 c. sugar with a package of pectin.

Crush 11/2 lb of strawberries. I chose to crush them in my food processor because I don't like chunky jam.

Once the strawberries are crushed, mix them with the sugar-pectin mix for 3 min.

Scoop the jam into the 4 plastic containers and allow them to sit for 30 minutes.

The strawberry mixture will sit up and become jam.

Freeze the containers and pull one down the fridge as you need it.

The jars will stay good in the fridge for 3 weeks and up to a year in the freezer.

Bunny Girl

I was in LuCinda's Friday night before going to the Brickyard to listen to a pretty terrible band. The whole evening would have been a bust had I not discovered the most wonderful item. Behold the Bunny Girl Wallet:

Must. Have. Now.

Truckstop Honeymoon and dream

In Portland is this place called Kruger's Farm Market. I've never been there, or to Portland for that matter, but I wish Wichita had something similiar. Kruger's is a farm where you can pick your own strawberries, tomatoes, flowers, pumpkins, etc. It's a beautiful place (based on the pictures, of course) but what makes this place extraordinary, in my opinion, is the summer concerts that they host on Thursday evenings. People are invited to bring their lawnchairs and blankets and enjoy an evening of live music. In my dreams, I imagine listening to a band like Old Crow Medecine Show at the farm, wearing a cotton sundress (I know, me in a dress! This is why it's a dream...) and hanging out in a lawnchair drinking a summer beer. It sounds so lovely, like a perfect summer evening. The thing I find particulary frustrating about my dream is that I am sitting in Wichita, KS -- home many, many fruit stands, farms, and markets --there are so many places that would be ideal to host concerts like these. Unfortunately, the City of Wichita finds it necessary for us to compete with bigger cities and create an upscale redneck-version of this -- the outdoor concert series at Bradley Fair Shopping Center. I say redneck because the people who go are those who see and want to be seen and Wichita is always fighting to stay trendy. If you ask me, it's not about the music either. Seriously? Smooth jazz? It's like Wichita is trying to re-create KC's Plaza experience yet we don't have near the options for shopping, dining, or entertainment. Oh, and KC also has the City Market which does host concerts so they cover more than the hoity-toity population that needs to "be seen." I'm also disappointed with Wichita's Waterwalk Project... this is not the downtown that I want for Wichita. Old Town has come so far in the last few years with some decent bars, the Final Friday crawl, the new First Friday crawl, some great coffe shops, etc. Even the shopping has improved! And now we are going to get another mini-Plaza that will come up short. Gander Mountain already set the vibe for this location-- why does a mega-sports store need to be downtown? As far as concerts go, I'm pretty lucky that Josh loves music as much as me and is always up for a roadtrip to see a band but I wish we didn't always have to travel so far. There are so many great concerts coming near Wichita but hardly anything in Wichita this summer. I've been preparing my concert list, which includes: Collective Soul (the one band coming to Wichita -- but of course I've seen them before), Heart, Huey Lewis & the News, DMB, Blondie, Jackson Browne, Aerosmith, Tilly & the Wall, Green Day... of course we won't be going to all of these concerts (traveling to KC or OKC involves using vacation time, getting hotel rooms, etc.) but I'd sure like to. U2 is coming to Oklahoma in October and I already bought tickets for it because it's U2 and tickets were more than reasonable. I also found that Truckstop Honeymoon is going to be playing a free concert in Lawrence on July 4th, which could be a lovely way to spend the evening. If you haven't checked out Truckstop Honeymoon you should. They are a fantastic band out of LA that have a bluegrass-rockabilly vibe. Go listen to them now!

Things I'm angry about

I normally don't blog about things that frustrate me, that's what twitter is for, right? Today was one of THOSE days. One of those days that makes me so angry I could cry. Well, I'm not crying... yet. But I'm venting. Here are the things I'm angry about:

1) Jerks that I work with - specifically a woman in Canada that requires a monthly ass kissing just to get her to do her job. Most of the time, I just let it go. Today we had an urgent issue and a contractor requested that I make a change for him in our "ticket" system. I did and she flipped a lid because I didn't do it "right", with a nasty email to boot. I thought about everything that I could say to her and then I took the high road. I emailed her, explained that I was obviously causing her upset and requested that she direct me to a documented procedure so I wouldn't have such confusion. She'll never reply, I already know this. Because there is no procedure. She comes up with procedures and policies on a whim and will never, ever write it down.

2) School - I met with my advisor today. She kept me waiting. She didn't have my stuff together. She told me I probably couldn't graduate in December but she didn't have time to verify. She wants to me come back for an hour meeting when she has time.... WTF? I took off work for this? It was a complete waste of time, she'd hardly looked at my transcripts. I'm seriously pissed off.

3) Dr. Tiller's death and Reason 5,898,374 that I hate living in Wichita. I am so tired of living in a state where people are such extremist and full of hate. I could rant and rave about everything that has happened but it would do no good, especially here. I get so tired of feeling like I'm a sell out because of where I choose to live and work.

Watch that door

My bestfriend and I went to Il Vicino for dinner tonight. I had forgotten how much I love that place. I had the Bianca, which is a pizza with ham, goat cheese, carmelized onions and spicy oil. It is sooo good. I came home and wanted a glass of wine, but I couldn't find my bottle opener, sigh. I'll be buying another one of those this weekend. It was good to see Christina, we haven't had many opportunities to hang out and it was refreshing to catch up. This week seemed a little less stressful at work. I'm not sure if it's actually work that is less stressful or if I am just doing a better job handling it. I did manage to get pretty upset with my employer today. We have these super secure doors that prevent more than one person from walking in at one time. To enter the building you must badge-in and then an outer door opens up. You step inside and it closes. After it closes, verifies that there is just one of you, the inside door opens allowing you entry. Today I walked up and badged-in. The outer door shut and then the alarm that says more than one person detected goes off. This happens all the time, especially if you carry a purse and a laptop bag with you. So I stepped out and this time the outer door didn't shut. So I couldn't badge back in. So I used the call box to talk to Security. They mess around with doors remotely and then tell me to try again. I step into the outer door and it shuts on me. It catches my arm, I stumble into the thing and the inner door opens. This thing slammed into my arm, it wasn't like an elevator that taps you and backs open, this thing just kept coming. I had a big red mark and I'm sure it will bruise up in a couple days. Even worse, I was in heels and could have fallen or pulled something. I was so mad that I called Security as soon as I got to my desk. They apologized and said it was recorded on tape and they would be sending it to the head of Security. When I left tonight the door was blocked by orange cones and people had to use another door to leave. Anyway, I would have thought I would have heard something back about the incident but nothing was said the rest of the day. I'm glad it's the weekend, although I think it's going to be a bit warm, I'm ready for summer.

Moving forward

I've been having these feelings lately when I drive down my street or walk into work and it's like I'm doing it for the very fist time. The street looks different somehow, the building it lit differently somehow... it all feels so surreal. I'm having a hard time figuring out what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. In someways, the things I've been working towards for so long are coming to pass and I don't know what's next. I know I'm in a growth mode but I don't have a lot of clear directions. I want to embrace something, but everything feels new... and scary... and unknown. I've been doing my current job for 5 months now and I still haven't found that comfort groove. I've been going to school for years but I don't know what having my degree done will mean. I've been planning so many things and now that it's time to take action or move forward, it feels like I made the decision yesterday. I'm a big picture person. I don't see just the present but I constantly focus on the future and it gets me into trouble every once in awhile because I don't enjoy the moment and constantly work for bigger and better and more. I guess the problem I'm having is putting together the pieces of the big picture. I don't know what it looks like. I get partial images and some comforting glimpses but still I feel so lost. I think part of me is starting to really understanding aging and what it means. Time goes by so quickly, much too quickly if you ask me. I look at my life a year ago and so much has changed. My family. My friends. My lifestyle. My career. My relationship. My way of thinking. I know I'm moving forward and I'm going to be making some big changes. I've got my fingers crossed and taking a big deep breath.

Dancing does a body good

I had a pretty nice weekend all things considered. Friday night was pretty low-key, Josh and I and a disc of Supernatural. Saturday, my cousin, Patrick, graduated from WSU. After now witnessing a WSU commencement I have decided that walking is definitely not for me. Maybe if obtaining my degree was going to actually send me out into the world and I didn't already have a career it would be a bigger deal... but no, not my thing. We took the girls with us and they had a hard time sitting still for most of it but did enjoy hanging out with Mom afterwards at the reception. Tori and Penny love my mom, seriously. I've been having a rough time with neck pain lately. All my stress (from work) seems to be concentrated in a series of knots that run from the back of my scalp extending to my shoulder/top of my arm. The pain got pretty bad on Saturday and we ended up leaving the reception early so I could lay down. I did get to feeling better and ended up going out with friends. It was kind of like a belated birthday outing but nothing special really. I did have a good time and for once didn't feel like leaving early. My feet/legs held up as well. Since I've cut back on the dancing I usually ache quite a bit afterwards but not this time. Maybe this is a sign that I need to put on my dancing shoes again this summer. Honestly, I miss dancing. I miss hanging out with friends. It seems like so many of my friends have disappeared this last year and if I want to see them, I have to contact them. It makes me sad. Hopefully by relaxing a bit, I can have more of a social life again. I went tanning this weekend as well and apparently the back of the bed (standup) got new bulbs because my backside has a nice burn that still hasn't gone away. I am slowly getting back in the groove of taking better care of myself. Work seems to suck me dry and I have no energy to do anything for myself. I really feel like if I could get some more exercise in my life, I'd be doing even better. Sunday was pretty quiet; housecleaning, shopping, hanging out with Josh & the girls. This week seems to be off to a better start and I have plans later in the week with friends, so fingers crossed this week doesn't take me down.

Also, I wore a tube top for the first time in my life on Saturday. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but this is what I looked like.

Pretentious Ass

Remember OfficeSpace? I swear, I work with this guy.

Back to good

I turned in my last final of the Spring semester today. I officially have 3 weeks off from school until Summer classes start. I think (hope) that my classes this summer will be fairly easy and even fun, well at least Photoshop anyway... This last Thursday was my birthday, I'm 32. I can't believe I'm 32. What the heck happened to my youth? Oh yeah, I wasted it on a bad marriage and depression. This birthday was a bit different from the last few years. This year, Josh bought tickets for us to see Fleetwood Mac in KC. The concert was fantastic and Stevie Nicks looks just like she did in the 70's. It's hard to believe that she's 60. We went up Thursday afternoon and went to dinner at the Melting Pot. I love that place. It's seriously more food than a person should eat in an entire day, but oh so good. The apples dipped in cheese fondue is heavenly and the chocolate fondue (we did Smores) left us moaning and licking the bowl....I'm not joking. We did some shopping in KC as well -- I made another visit to my new favorite bookstore, Half-Priced Books and loaded up again. I have so many books to read this summer, and not nearly enough time.... sigh. I have started reading the new Jennifer Weiner book, Certain Girls. It's the book continuing the story of her bestseller, Good in Bed. I'm enjoying it so far. One of the main characters' names is Joy, how cool is that? On Saturday Josh and I went to my cousin's wedding in Hillsboro and also found out that my sis will be getting engaged soon. Her BF bought a diamond while they were here and apparently had the "talk" with my dad. It's crazy to think of my sister married, but I like the guy and so does my family and I think they'll do well. This week started off a little shakey but I think I've got a grasp on my mental state and am hoping to not let work stress kill my 3 weeks off from school. Now that I have to carry a blackberry for work, it's very easy to feel panicked or stressed when away from work and I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up.

Girl by Tori Amos

From in the shadow she calls

And in the shadow she finds a way finds a way

And in the shadow she crawls

Clutching her faded photograph my image under her thumb

Yes with a message for my heart

Yes with a message for my heart

Shes been everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

And in the doorway they stay

And laugh as violins fill with water

Screams from the bluebells cant make them go away

Well Im not seventeen but Ive cuts on my knees

Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree

Shes been everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everyone elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Rushin rivers thread so thin limitation

Everyone elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue and the drugstores too safe

In their coats anda in their dos yeah

Everyone elses girl maybe one day maybe one day one day one day

Shell be her own

Smother in our hearts a pillow to my dots

And in the mist there she rides

And castles are burning in my heart

And as I twist I hold tight

And I ride to work every morning wondering why

Sit in the chair and be good now

And become all that they told you

The white coats enter her room

And Im callin my baby callin my baby callin my baby callin

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

There is an end

My last week of the Spring semester has arrived. I'm so relieved and so overwhelmed all at the same time. I just finished my last paper this evening and only have one final to complete next week, which, of course, is another paper... sigh. As I have gone through this semester I realized, I probably won't be taking any more English classes for my degree, at least it's not in the plan anyway. The remaining classes that I'm taking are French 3 and a few electives which aren't English classes. Part of me is saddened by the thought of this but another part of me is so tired of writing papers. I don't mind the readings but the papers have just done me in. They say as you go through college your writing skills will improve. My grades are still fine but I don't think my writing shows much improvement at all. In fact, I think I wrote much better papers 2 years ago. Perhaps it's the teachers I've had recently or even the subject matter. Actually, I think it's the fact that I am burned out. Half the time I turn in a paper, I just want to get it done. I don't care if it's an A or B paper (which somehow it usually is) I just want it off my plate. I hate that pursuing my degree has turned into something so tedious. When I first saw the classes that I would be taking in the English program I was excited by types of literature that we would cover. What I've learned is that I studied mostly medieval literature, many works several times over, and I'm not even a fan of medieval literature. I feel like my professors have the opportunity to pick and choose what to study and most of the time, it's the same old stuff we've been reading. Another thing I've realized is that work has taken so much out of me, personal growth in the form of school has just become another task that I have to complete. I always thought I was a lifetime learner, someone who would never want to stop taking classes. With my current position, this just isn't a possibility. It's certainly something that I need to consider going forward in life, but right now, I'm just looking forward to the break until Summer classes start up.

Water

I'm going to be completely honest -- today started out terrible, completely and utterly terrible. Right now I am assigned to a project at work that requires that I make mass changes to our User's access. With these changes comes unexpected errors and issues in the system we use, SAP. I am also responsible for fixing these errors when they occur, which means I am constantly putting out fires and bearing the brunt of frustration that the User's have. My phone rings off the hook, my office communicator is constantly pinging and my email is seriously out of control. And as you might have guessed, people are never happy when reporting these issues... This morning started with another one of those fires and a ranting User who decided to copy everyone in the company (or so it seemed) just to get one issue resolved. I really don't know how people think I can resolve an issue any faster when 10 people bitch at me about vs. 1. Anyway, that's beside the point, and there is a real point to this...I'm not just venting. Really! With the morning quickly fading I was worried that I was going to be "forced" to skip class (again) as I had to ensure that everyone was up and running smoothly. 10:40 hit and I decided I was going no matter what; I was tired of work obligations stealing from my personal interests. And it didn't hurt that we've been watching a film that had sucked me in completely. The film is called Water and it is directed by Deepa Mehta. The story is a true account of what the widows of India have endured over time and some still do today. There is a lot of attention placed on Ghandi's Peace Movement as well. When I left work, I felt like I could lose it at any moment, and after watching the ending of this film, I remembered what kinds of things are really worth getting upset over and what really matters. I was also reminded about the "better" way to live. I don't live like most of my co-workers -- I don't want to either. I try not to just do things out of self-interest, I try to do things for the greater good, but I think I could do a better job at that, nonetheless. When I think about true despair in the world, my worries seem so much less. When I think about the harsh realities in the world, past and present, I wonder how we can let these things happen. How do we make excuses or turn a blind eye to something so terrible for so long? I think about when people notice something isn't right with someone and they say, "Someone should do something." What they are really saying is, "Someone other than myself should do something." And why is this? What do we really lose by going out on a limb and saying something, offering support, asking if things are really ok? People die every day and people say that they knew someone, they offer kind remarks at a funeral, but how many people really know that someone? How many people understand what that person truly battled? The poem I posted yesterday is about that very thing. People aren't what they seem, there are cries for help, but people only see what they want to see-- what's convienant. I think people, self-serving, egotistical people, in general are what are irking me right now and I'm surrounded by them every day. My outlook is jaded and I'm currently an inconvienant person, but my resolve is strengthening, this I can tell.

Not Waving But Drowning

Stevie Smith - Not Waving But Drowning


Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

Antiquing & Eating

Saturday morning Josh and I went to the Flying Moose antique store. I've been spending a lot of time on Design Sponge and was inspired to make something new and mine again. Only one thing stood out to me, a buffet, but I wan't feeling like spending the $125 on it, plus having to haul it home. So I passed. We ate lunch downtown at TJ's Burger House -- soo yummy. This was my first time eating there and I thought it was great; the fries were freshly cut and excellent. The burger was pretty great too. For dinner I made Southwest Chicken and Rice wraps, a creation of my own, and was quite impressed. What made these really great was the rice! I found a recipe for Chipotle's Cilantro-Lime rice and it's fantastic.

Cilantro-Lime Rice
Ingredients
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
2 teaspoons fresh cilantro ( I love it so I used a lot more!)
2/3 cup white rice
1 1/3 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 lime

Directions
1) In a 2-quart heavy saucepan, heat oil over low heat, stirring occasionally until melted.
2) Add rice and lime juice, stir for 1 minute.
3) Add water and salt, bring to a full rolling boil
4) At boiling, cover, turn down to simmer over low heat until rice is tender and the water is absorbed, about 25 minutes.
5) Add in the cilantro and fluff rice with a fork

The other thing that made these wraps great was Shake'n Bake. Yep, right out of the 80's. Josh reacquainted me with Shake'n Bake as I was looking for a healther alternative to fried chicken tenders. Shake'n Bake makes some tasty chicken tenders for less calories And fat. For dessert I made Chai Cake with Chai mousse. It was ok, nothing special, doubtful that I'll make it again. Sunday morning we headed to The Donut Whole for breakfast. I tried the Cherry Cordial and the Peanut Butter & Grape. The Grape was good but the Cherry Cordial was excellent. I think it's my new favorite. Soooo.... as you can tell there was a lot of eating done this weekend, which means I need to get back on the wagon this week. The rest of the weekend was filled with Supernatural watching. The series is getting really exciting and I'm so glad to be watching it on DVD and not waiting each week for a new episode.

The text you shouldn't have sent...

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

3 weeks

I'm starting to feel better this week. My illness seems to be going away and my stress levels have decreased. I rested a lot this weekend and felt like myself again on Saturday. I ended up making the homemade pizzas. I ended up making the mozzarella basil for the girls and the canadian bacon and green chili for Josh and I. First, the crust recipe is awesome - the dough was a little wonky to being with but ended up rolling out very nice, puffing up perfectly and wasn't droopy. I'm definitely going to save this recipe. I also made my own marinara from scratch. It had a good flavor but was a bit liquidy... next time I will add tomato paste. I froze a good deal of it though to use for pasta. As is, I think it makes a better pasta sauce than pizza sauce. I was pretty proud of myself as I managed to make these with an 18-month old hanging out in the kitchen with me. I put her on the counter, rolled up her pant legs and let her play in the sink. All went well until she decided to use a cup! Needless to say, she ended up sitting in the sink and have a blast... I wish I would have taken a picture of that!

3 weeks and I will be done with the Spring semester. I'm starting to think that relief is around the corner. I know that summer school will come all too soon, but I'm ready for something different. This semester has kicked my behind. It's not that my classes are any harder, it's that the juggling of my new position and school has become more challenging. And I've read so much this semester, it's taken up a lot of my time. Don't get me wrong, I love to read, but I like to read what I want to read, not what I'm told to read. And I don't like deadlines; it's like an excuse to procrastinate. Isn't it funny how something we ordinarily like becomes taxing when someone else requires that we do it?

This week I have 2 papers to write and have decided to start tanning again. Hopefully, it will be a productive week.

Two posts, one day, this should tell ya something! I love, love, love this movie. It stars Christina Ricci and James McAvoy, who have quite the on-screen chemistry. Penelope is the modern day fairytale of a girl who is born into a curse that leaves her with a pig snout. The only way to break the curse is to be truly loved by a fellow "Blue Blood." McAvoy is super hot in the film and I might just have to see Wanted now because he's in it. Seriously, he might have just moved into my top 5. The film was based on Mark Ryden's art, especially this painting:

I think what I enjoyed the most about the film was the carnivalesque qualities, just like Ryden's art. Penelope's room and most things that surround her are quite surreal. Oh, someday I will have Ryden's art hanging on my walls, even if they are just prints! The soundtrack to the film was fantastic as well: Waking Life by Schuyler Fisk (love it, love her!), Your Disguise by James Greenspan, and Give In by The Secret 6. The film reminded me of Simply Irresistable, that despite what critics say, I loved. Again, it has that modern day fairytale feel to it but Penelope has more eyecandy to look at. Anyway, if you enjoy the carivalesque or are even just a sucker for film-art-- go see this movie.

PS. You can watch it Instant on Netflix if you have an account!

Bibliophile

In the next few years, I hope to be buying a house. This time around, I'm not settling when it comes to built-ins. My most desired attraction in a house are walls of built-in book cases. My style is "books." I don't want them to cover every wall, unless of course I have my own library (which is probably pretty unrealistic at this point in my life) but I do want a little book cove. At least 2 intersecting walls of a room dedicated to my prized posessions. And if I can't find a house with the right built-ins, I guess I'll just have to hire someone to come in and make them for me.

All this reading and book talk has me thinking I need to be writing too. I know, I know. Just a little bit longer and I'll have graduated and have that pretty piece of paper that so many employers want. If I do manage to pull off graduation in December 09 (which is still the plan) I will have much more free time to be creative. Right now, it's really hard to think of stories, poems, or even things that are aesthetically pleasing, when I have to balance work/school/responsibilities. But that's soooo going to change when I'm done. And when I've finally figured out how to create a career out of the things I'm good at and love at the same time. One step in that direction is putting myself "out" there. There are a couple local publications that I could submit to, I should submit to, but I have no time and no energy. I will get there though, just you wait and see.

So the agenda for this evening? Well, since I'm still ill with something Josh referred to as the plague over lunch, I'm spending the evening watching Penelope. I was reading up on Mark Ryden because his business address is in Denver, CO ,and I was thinking maybe his gallery was too (it's not), I discovered something from this movie was inspired by some of his art. So I thought I better check it out. Actually, now that I think about it, it has Christina Ricci and if anyone ever looked like they stepped out of a Mark Ryden painting, it's her. And besides, I'm too scared to watch Supernatural on my own anyway.