Things have been a bit slow since the first of the year. I'm so used to being busy that now that I'm not, I feel more unmotivated... why is that? I would think with more time on my hands the more I would want to do things. I feel that even less. Mostly I just work. I'm not doing a very good job of keeping up with friends either. It seems like now that I have more time, I tend to focus on the things that irritate or anger me more.
When I started over 4 years ago or so, I made huge efforts towards getting my life lined out the way that I wanted it. And for the first time in my life, I actually stuck with the plan and achieved many of my goals, especially in the school and career realm. Other goals I set out to accomplish I achieved and then let slip - such as friendships and hobbies. Health is in progress (30 lb down & a perfect check up) again but I'm not doing a whole lot to work on the friendships and hobbies. A couple of years ago I had tons of friends that I talked to daily, weekly, etc. We hung out all the time, went shopping, saw movies, etc. Now, I'm lucky if I get a couple of hours a month with my bestfriend. My hobbies were also booming -- I was writing, reading, cooking, making jewelry, sewing, seeking out new music, etc. Now, I do none of that... and I'm not sure why. I do have terrible guilt because I feel like all of my "free" time should go to Josh and the girls but I know that's not realistic or healthy.
Sometimes I don't do a good enough job of taking my own advice. I know that there has to be more of a balance. Part of it, at least the hobbies, is that I can't be alone in my own house. I can't hide and do something creative. I've always been a bit of a loner and I miss my quiet time. I also miss how productive I used to be. Every night of the week I was getting things done and feeling good about it... now nothing gets done and I don't even enjoy my evenings. I realize that this sounds as though I am depressed but I honestly don't think it's depression. I feel like it's another phase that I am supposed to enter but I haven't figured out how to get there... does anyone have a map?
