Watch that door

My bestfriend and I went to Il Vicino for dinner tonight. I had forgotten how much I love that place. I had the Bianca, which is a pizza with ham, goat cheese, carmelized onions and spicy oil. It is sooo good. I came home and wanted a glass of wine, but I couldn't find my bottle opener, sigh. I'll be buying another one of those this weekend. It was good to see Christina, we haven't had many opportunities to hang out and it was refreshing to catch up. This week seemed a little less stressful at work. I'm not sure if it's actually work that is less stressful or if I am just doing a better job handling it. I did manage to get pretty upset with my employer today. We have these super secure doors that prevent more than one person from walking in at one time. To enter the building you must badge-in and then an outer door opens up. You step inside and it closes. After it closes, verifies that there is just one of you, the inside door opens allowing you entry. Today I walked up and badged-in. The outer door shut and then the alarm that says more than one person detected goes off. This happens all the time, especially if you carry a purse and a laptop bag with you. So I stepped out and this time the outer door didn't shut. So I couldn't badge back in. So I used the call box to talk to Security. They mess around with doors remotely and then tell me to try again. I step into the outer door and it shuts on me. It catches my arm, I stumble into the thing and the inner door opens. This thing slammed into my arm, it wasn't like an elevator that taps you and backs open, this thing just kept coming. I had a big red mark and I'm sure it will bruise up in a couple days. Even worse, I was in heels and could have fallen or pulled something. I was so mad that I called Security as soon as I got to my desk. They apologized and said it was recorded on tape and they would be sending it to the head of Security. When I left tonight the door was blocked by orange cones and people had to use another door to leave. Anyway, I would have thought I would have heard something back about the incident but nothing was said the rest of the day. I'm glad it's the weekend, although I think it's going to be a bit warm, I'm ready for summer.

Moving forward

I've been having these feelings lately when I drive down my street or walk into work and it's like I'm doing it for the very fist time. The street looks different somehow, the building it lit differently somehow... it all feels so surreal. I'm having a hard time figuring out what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. In someways, the things I've been working towards for so long are coming to pass and I don't know what's next. I know I'm in a growth mode but I don't have a lot of clear directions. I want to embrace something, but everything feels new... and scary... and unknown. I've been doing my current job for 5 months now and I still haven't found that comfort groove. I've been going to school for years but I don't know what having my degree done will mean. I've been planning so many things and now that it's time to take action or move forward, it feels like I made the decision yesterday. I'm a big picture person. I don't see just the present but I constantly focus on the future and it gets me into trouble every once in awhile because I don't enjoy the moment and constantly work for bigger and better and more. I guess the problem I'm having is putting together the pieces of the big picture. I don't know what it looks like. I get partial images and some comforting glimpses but still I feel so lost. I think part of me is starting to really understanding aging and what it means. Time goes by so quickly, much too quickly if you ask me. I look at my life a year ago and so much has changed. My family. My friends. My lifestyle. My career. My relationship. My way of thinking. I know I'm moving forward and I'm going to be making some big changes. I've got my fingers crossed and taking a big deep breath.

Dancing does a body good

I had a pretty nice weekend all things considered. Friday night was pretty low-key, Josh and I and a disc of Supernatural. Saturday, my cousin, Patrick, graduated from WSU. After now witnessing a WSU commencement I have decided that walking is definitely not for me. Maybe if obtaining my degree was going to actually send me out into the world and I didn't already have a career it would be a bigger deal... but no, not my thing. We took the girls with us and they had a hard time sitting still for most of it but did enjoy hanging out with Mom afterwards at the reception. Tori and Penny love my mom, seriously. I've been having a rough time with neck pain lately. All my stress (from work) seems to be concentrated in a series of knots that run from the back of my scalp extending to my shoulder/top of my arm. The pain got pretty bad on Saturday and we ended up leaving the reception early so I could lay down. I did get to feeling better and ended up going out with friends. It was kind of like a belated birthday outing but nothing special really. I did have a good time and for once didn't feel like leaving early. My feet/legs held up as well. Since I've cut back on the dancing I usually ache quite a bit afterwards but not this time. Maybe this is a sign that I need to put on my dancing shoes again this summer. Honestly, I miss dancing. I miss hanging out with friends. It seems like so many of my friends have disappeared this last year and if I want to see them, I have to contact them. It makes me sad. Hopefully by relaxing a bit, I can have more of a social life again. I went tanning this weekend as well and apparently the back of the bed (standup) got new bulbs because my backside has a nice burn that still hasn't gone away. I am slowly getting back in the groove of taking better care of myself. Work seems to suck me dry and I have no energy to do anything for myself. I really feel like if I could get some more exercise in my life, I'd be doing even better. Sunday was pretty quiet; housecleaning, shopping, hanging out with Josh & the girls. This week seems to be off to a better start and I have plans later in the week with friends, so fingers crossed this week doesn't take me down.

Also, I wore a tube top for the first time in my life on Saturday. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but this is what I looked like.

Pretentious Ass

Remember OfficeSpace? I swear, I work with this guy.

Back to good

I turned in my last final of the Spring semester today. I officially have 3 weeks off from school until Summer classes start. I think (hope) that my classes this summer will be fairly easy and even fun, well at least Photoshop anyway... This last Thursday was my birthday, I'm 32. I can't believe I'm 32. What the heck happened to my youth? Oh yeah, I wasted it on a bad marriage and depression. This birthday was a bit different from the last few years. This year, Josh bought tickets for us to see Fleetwood Mac in KC. The concert was fantastic and Stevie Nicks looks just like she did in the 70's. It's hard to believe that she's 60. We went up Thursday afternoon and went to dinner at the Melting Pot. I love that place. It's seriously more food than a person should eat in an entire day, but oh so good. The apples dipped in cheese fondue is heavenly and the chocolate fondue (we did Smores) left us moaning and licking the bowl....I'm not joking. We did some shopping in KC as well -- I made another visit to my new favorite bookstore, Half-Priced Books and loaded up again. I have so many books to read this summer, and not nearly enough time.... sigh. I have started reading the new Jennifer Weiner book, Certain Girls. It's the book continuing the story of her bestseller, Good in Bed. I'm enjoying it so far. One of the main characters' names is Joy, how cool is that? On Saturday Josh and I went to my cousin's wedding in Hillsboro and also found out that my sis will be getting engaged soon. Her BF bought a diamond while they were here and apparently had the "talk" with my dad. It's crazy to think of my sister married, but I like the guy and so does my family and I think they'll do well. This week started off a little shakey but I think I've got a grasp on my mental state and am hoping to not let work stress kill my 3 weeks off from school. Now that I have to carry a blackberry for work, it's very easy to feel panicked or stressed when away from work and I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up.

Girl by Tori Amos

From in the shadow she calls

And in the shadow she finds a way finds a way

And in the shadow she crawls

Clutching her faded photograph my image under her thumb

Yes with a message for my heart

Yes with a message for my heart

Shes been everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

And in the doorway they stay

And laugh as violins fill with water

Screams from the bluebells cant make them go away

Well Im not seventeen but Ive cuts on my knees

Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree

Shes been everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everyone elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Rushin rivers thread so thin limitation

Everyone elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue and the drugstores too safe

In their coats anda in their dos yeah

Everyone elses girl maybe one day maybe one day one day one day

Shell be her own

Smother in our hearts a pillow to my dots

And in the mist there she rides

And castles are burning in my heart

And as I twist I hold tight

And I ride to work every morning wondering why

Sit in the chair and be good now

And become all that they told you

The white coats enter her room

And Im callin my baby callin my baby callin my baby callin

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

Everybody elses girl maybe one day shell be her own

There is an end

My last week of the Spring semester has arrived. I'm so relieved and so overwhelmed all at the same time. I just finished my last paper this evening and only have one final to complete next week, which, of course, is another paper... sigh. As I have gone through this semester I realized, I probably won't be taking any more English classes for my degree, at least it's not in the plan anyway. The remaining classes that I'm taking are French 3 and a few electives which aren't English classes. Part of me is saddened by the thought of this but another part of me is so tired of writing papers. I don't mind the readings but the papers have just done me in. They say as you go through college your writing skills will improve. My grades are still fine but I don't think my writing shows much improvement at all. In fact, I think I wrote much better papers 2 years ago. Perhaps it's the teachers I've had recently or even the subject matter. Actually, I think it's the fact that I am burned out. Half the time I turn in a paper, I just want to get it done. I don't care if it's an A or B paper (which somehow it usually is) I just want it off my plate. I hate that pursuing my degree has turned into something so tedious. When I first saw the classes that I would be taking in the English program I was excited by types of literature that we would cover. What I've learned is that I studied mostly medieval literature, many works several times over, and I'm not even a fan of medieval literature. I feel like my professors have the opportunity to pick and choose what to study and most of the time, it's the same old stuff we've been reading. Another thing I've realized is that work has taken so much out of me, personal growth in the form of school has just become another task that I have to complete. I always thought I was a lifetime learner, someone who would never want to stop taking classes. With my current position, this just isn't a possibility. It's certainly something that I need to consider going forward in life, but right now, I'm just looking forward to the break until Summer classes start up.