And so it comes to an end

On December 20, at 3:29 PM my dad was pronounced dead. He was 60 years old and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. What was scheduled as a routine hip replacement/ corrective leg surgery went dreadfully wrong and now I am left -- without my dad. I can't begin to explain the rage I feel or the hatred I have for the two men (so called doctors) that contributed to his death. One week ago today, my dad was laid to rest. My stomach has been in knots ever since, my world has been torn upside down and my mind fades in and out. I tell you this in my blog because 2010 will forever be the year of life changes. I married Josh, I gained 2 daughters, and I lost my dad. When I go through such sadness I do find that writing helps and this blog has been long neglected so I'm sure I'll come here to let it all out. I am not ready for 2011 mostly because I don't want to enter it under these circumstances. I am questioning all that I once had some sort of faith in -- society, God, myself, my friendships, and my hope. I am lost at the moment and know that things can't stay this way for long. I should want to live my life in a positive way, but right now I only want to escape from it. 2011 is going to be a long year.

Back to life, back to reality

So now that the wedding is behind me and the honeymoon :( I can now focus back on life outside of the wedding. It feels very strange because since I graduated from college, I've still been working on something (the wedding) and now that that's over with, I really don't have something that I have to give all my free time to. It feels strange but awkwardly nice because I'm just thinking about all things that I want/plan to do to fill up the time. Christmas is coming so that will fill some of my time but I'm wanting to set my attention back to a few things that were old priorities, before I got divorced, had to start my life over, get a new job, get promoted again and again at job, met Josh, got engaged, graduated, became a wife & stepmom and entered into this new phase of my life at the moment. So before all of that, there was this person that was very sad, and very lonely but not all of her was bad. See, she had a lot of hobbies and passions and did something about them quite often. She wrote, and read, and baked, and crafted, and decorated, and shopped (way too much) and volunteered. And did a lot of other things that I don't want to repeat but the point is, I want that part back some. I want to be working and thinking about some cool design or listening to new music while doing a craft. I can do this again and I'm so excited I feel like I'm on overdrive because I want it all now now now. And of course, I suddenly don't want to work... alot. Before the wedding, I was working a ton of hours and after coming back from the honeymoon, I just don't want to do it. I don't want to spend my evenings & lunches working. I want to finish my day and go home and spend time with my family, doing fun activities, and relaxing. I know this is how people can and do live, but it's not been a part of my life for a very long time. So I'm making strides to find balance and work in the fun stuff along the way. I hope to begin blogging again as well so I hope you'll join me as I start up again.

It's been awhile

Wow, I hadn't realized I hadn't blogged over here since March! Yikes! I guess the wedding blog has been getting all the attention. I could blog about the wedding stuff but it's already covered over on the wedding blog.

Things have definitely changed a lot of the last 6 months. First my sister got married in May. Josh and I went to Cancun for her destination wedding. I'll admit I wasn't really looking forward to Cancun -- I mean what is there really to do other than lay around, swim, drink and eat. I found that's all I really needed or wanted to do! It turned out to be very relaxing and now I'm in love with all-inclusive resorts. I'm sure my next vacation will be at one too. The next vacation after the honeymoon that is! The wedding was very nice and now that I'm coming up on my own wedding, I kinda wish I would have done something similiar because this wedding planning stuff is a lot of work... especially when you are as picky as me!

Josh and I also found a new house to move to. It's still just a rental but it will be a lot nice to live in. It's 3 br/ 2 ba and shoud work well for us. We're moving in starting tomorrow. It's been a bit stressful getting prepared to move while wedding stuff is going on but it's how the timing worked out so we just have to deal. I'll be glad when the weekend is over and our new house is put together. As a bonus, we have a holiday weekend the following weekend so we'll have an extra day off to enjoy the house ... or get errands done. I think I'm looking forward to cooking the most. I hate my kitchen here and the townhouse and the kitchen in the new house is so nice and modern. I can't wait to be inspired again.

Tori started kindergarten last week too! I can't believe she's in school now. She's going to be a great student -- her preschool prepared her well. She goes all day, 5 days a week. We're probably mean parents for that, but she loves to socialize and I don't think it's going to bother her one bit. Penny starts preschool in a couple of weeks and she is finally potty trained! She just had to make up her mind that's what she wanted to do. Last night she even got up after being asleep a couple hours to go; we were so proud.

I'm thinking this blog needs a big overhaul after the whole moving-wedding-honeymoon thing is over... so about November or so. I'd like to get back to blogging about the things that interest me, projects I'm working on, etc. Things will finally slow down then and I'll have free time once again. I'm already excited about the cooking, reading, decorating, crafting, etc. Can't wait!

Sigh

Things have been a bit slow since the first of the year. I'm so used to being busy that now that I'm not, I feel more unmotivated... why is that? I would think with more time on my hands the more I would want to do things. I feel that even less. Mostly I just work. I'm not doing a very good job of keeping up with friends either. It seems like now that I have more time, I tend to focus on the things that irritate or anger me more.

When I started over 4 years ago or so, I made huge efforts towards getting my life lined out the way that I wanted it. And for the first time in my life, I actually stuck with the plan and achieved many of my goals, especially in the school and career realm. Other goals I set out to accomplish I achieved and then let slip - such as friendships and hobbies. Health is in progress (30 lb down & a perfect check up) again but I'm not doing a whole lot to work on the friendships and hobbies. A couple of years ago I had tons of friends that I talked to daily, weekly, etc. We hung out all the time, went shopping, saw movies, etc. Now, I'm lucky if I get a couple of hours a month with my bestfriend. My hobbies were also booming -- I was writing, reading, cooking, making jewelry, sewing, seeking out new music, etc. Now, I do none of that... and I'm not sure why. I do have terrible guilt because I feel like all of my "free" time should go to Josh and the girls but I know that's not realistic or healthy.

Sometimes I don't do a good enough job of taking my own advice. I know that there has to be more of a balance. Part of it, at least the hobbies, is that I can't be alone in my own house. I can't hide and do something creative. I've always been a bit of a loner and I miss my quiet time. I also miss how productive I used to be. Every night of the week I was getting things done and feeling good about it... now nothing gets done and I don't even enjoy my evenings. I realize that this sounds as though I am depressed but I honestly don't think it's depression. I feel like it's another phase that I am supposed to enter but I haven't figured out how to get there... does anyone have a map?

True Blood

I have a new addiction. My favorite genre of literature has always been the grotesque genre otherwise known as southern gothic. I like this genre so much that Josh and I have even talked about putting a southern gothic spin on our wedding. Several months ago one of my old bosses was telling me about a show that she and her husband were addicted to -- she later found out that the show was based on a series of books and she flew through all the books. That show was True Blood. As Josh and I are now suffering through watching Supernatural Season 5 real-time, I wanted to find another show that would captivate us in the same way that Supernatural has. I had no idea that True Blood was a southern gothic show and now that we've started watching it, I can't get enough. Season 2 doesn't come out until May on DVD so now I have to suffer through waiting on this show as well. Any ideas of what we can watch while we wait? I'm sure I need another show addiction! I did check out the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris and have now started reading the first book. Apparently it's a book a season and there are something like 9 books. So if HBO keeps up with books, we're looking at long series.

Steady Decline

The last week has been pretty awesome as far as work and diet go.

My new boss, Andy, arrived from the UK on Monday and was here the entire week. He seems like a really nice guy. One evening he took Josh and I out to dinner which was nice. He seemed much more interested in me as a person unlike the guy I was working for. I think I'm really going to like my job. While here, Andy managed to get me into an office and a nice office at that. It will be so nice to just work and not have people bothering me all the time.

As far as my diet goes, I've rocked this week. I've lost on average .7 lb a day! So this morning when I went to weigh myself I was down my first 20 lb! I'm thrilled. I feel like this time the diet is going to stick because I'm not eating special foods or doing anything crazy... I'm just making healthy choices and cutting back on portions. I guess I feel like it's more of a lifestyle change that has to be made so I'm sticking with it. I should start taking pics of my progress or something to put them up.

Lastly, Josh and I have been working on wedding invitation designs. I reviewed the invitations that you can order online and I really wanted something a bit different. We've found a poster that we are using as inspriation so hopefully it turns out and it's something we can use instead of ordering them and paying outrageous prices.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day in my old role at work. On Monday my new boss will be in town and all my new responsibilities will be laid upon me. I'm actually feeling very calm about the transition. I know I can do this job and do it well. My last day should be uneventful other than the sigh of relief I will have as I exit building, knowing that when I return, I will be in a better place. I am also really eager to move desks. I'd like to move into an office (I so miss having an office) but I don't have my hopes up. I did learn that I will be going to Mexico in June for work, a couple of weeks after I get back from Mexico (Cancun). And I'm thinking I might be going to a conference in Orlando between then! So a traveling summer may be ahead of me.

Josh and I watched (500) Days of Summer the other night and I loved, loved, loved this movie! It has great cinematography and the timeless style of the main characters is inspiring. The story isn't necessarily a "feel good" movie but it was still so good. I highly recommend it.

I've been reading some. I finished Eclipse a few weeks ago. It was pretty good. I still fly through these Twilight books so easy. I just picked up Breaking Dawn at the library tonight along with The Shack. The Shack isn't something I would probably buy but I'm curious about what all the rage is. Josh is trying to get me to read some Cherie Priest, so I'll probably be checking her out soon.

I've been doing a good job at being domestic lately. Don't worry, I still have a laundry disorder. Last night I made breakfast burritos which turned out soooo yummy and tonight we had Buffalo Chicken Pasta Bake. This stuff is seriously good. It's been added to our list of regular revolving meals. I've done well with the diet so far. I'm down another 2 lb. It's definitely slowed down some this week but I'm not discouraged. My calories have been about 1100 a day and I am eating for energy not for pleasure (although the pasta was really good!).

Parenting Test

This week has made for an interesting one. We found out earlier this week that Josh was taking a last minute trip to Vegas to go to CES and flying out today. This meant that I would have the girls while he was gone. I was very excited for Josh to go. Not only is something that interests him personally, but he's got a great project in mind for work and going to CES would help to advance his ideas around the project. I was also a little stunned because I've never had the girls on my own like this. It's good for me, though, and if things go as well as this evening, I'll be a champ at this parenting thing. The girls were so good tonight, no crying, no whining, no fighting. I'm sure I've just jinxed myself but it really has gone well. I even played princess makeup with them, which they've been begging to do since Tuesday night. I was actually pretty pumped about going back to work this week but it has been quite hectic and stressful. First, the stress is due to 2 things. First, people are just kicking it into high gear because it's a new year and people are actually working and second, those Phentermine pills cause me to be a little shaky. It's usually the worst around the afternoon, like 2 or 3. I think I'm going to see about cutting a couple pills out of my week. I will say this, they work great. I have dropped 7 lb since the first, which means 12 lb total. I know most of that is water but I'll take it. I do feel differently, kinda smaller. And I'm really not all that interested in food. Most of the time I am eating because I need energy not because I'm hungry, which is certainly a different feeling.

Off to a good start

Yesterday was the first of the new year and it was a great start. I spent the morning blogging which is a step towards writing for me. Around 1 we picked up the girls from Mom & Dad's house. Tori had apparently been a little ornery but Penny was in rare form. She wanted me! She wanted to sit on my lap! And out of the blue she said, "I love you, Joy". It's stuff like this that melts my heart! Tori is easy with the hugs and I love you's but Penny is a little tougher... kinda like myself. I had a bowl of mom's yummy ham & beans and then we took the girls bowling at the Alley. We met Josh's cousin, Jody, and his wife and 3 daughters. The girls had a blast and were pretty good. It was nice to spend time with them and I hope we get to do it more often this year. Once we got home, everyone was in need of a nap, myself included. The girls watched the Little Miss Sunshine movie and rested. At 5 or so, Josh took them to their mom's house for the weekend. I started getting a headache which was apparently due to lack of eating and drinking. I have debated whether to talk about this on the blog but I've decided I will because hopefully it will encourage me. In December I went and saw a weightloss doctor. I want to thin down for my wedding and my sister's wedding... and the health benefits are well worth it. Yesterday I started the progam. I take 2 pills, Phentermine and Amilor. Phentermine is an appetite suppressant and Amilor is a water pill. I also do HcG hormone sublingually. I could have opted for the injections but me and shots don't mix. So my headache yesterday was due to the fact that I hadn't had much going into my body all day. The Amilor did kick in big time and peed like you wouldn't believe -- at least every hour! Josh went and got Subway for dinner and that helped the headache tremedously. We ended the evening with lounging around and reading. I did get myself set up on the Wii fit. My weight actually dropped in December but I blame that on the nasty somach flu we had for a week. I was down 5 lb from when I saw the doctor, which feels nice. So today we've cleaned half the house (thoroughly) and we are headed to the store to go grocery shopping and start the new year out with me doing some cooking, which I am really looking forward too. Maybe I'll get back to posting some recipes on here to share.

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